First day back from vacation

Had a 92 year old patient that got sick, then proceeded to pass out, had the ambulance called, and when he came to, he wanted to go on with the exam and have his dilation. Everything turned out okay, but I didn't have a good feeling about it.
Had another patient and when it asked to list hobbies, pull left antenna from red ants.
Welcome back from vacation!

Turtle, turtle.

A patient's 4 year-old daughter brought in her stuffed turtle to the exam room. The little girl kept on touching the eyes of the turtle and telling me that the turtle's eyes hurt. When I suggested that she stopped poking the turtle in the eye, she informed that it still hurt even when she wasn't poking it in the eye and that it needed to go to a turtle doctor. She then asked me if I was a turtle doctor. I did cut open a lot of cow eyes back in the day, but not so much turtle eyes. She was going to have to find help somewhere else:(

Bra optional

So I had an older woman today who you could obviously tell was not wearing a bra. I was able to verify the lack of a bra when she suddenly lifted up her shirt to show me the scars on her back from where they had to drain her lungs. We almost had a nip slip! All in a days work!

Yep

Blurd Vision. Nuf said.

Depression

List all other eye health problems you have: Depression.

How sad!

Left

I just had a patient who left while I am dilating her. I told her to go ahead and look at some glasses, I would be back with her in 10-15 mins. Take her aunt back, do the exam, come back to get the first patient and she's not there! She's gone across the street to the furniture shop (what furniture shop?) Kind of throws off my flow!

Crazy

I showed up early to work this morning for the CRAZIEST PATIENT ever. She didn't know the difference between her left and right. And then she kept on talking about walking in the mini-marathon...or it was Beth, I can't remember;)

King's Island

A 50 year old-ish patient was in the chair as high as it would go (I put it there), and then I brought it down so that we could talk. As I was doing so, she threw her hands up in the air like it was a roller coaster and said "WWEEEEEEEE." Hehe.

Meds

I had a patient today that was taking an anti-psychotic medication that is no longer available in the United States. Makes you wonder where it got it from. Maybe he has connections in Canada or something.

Vomit

Yesterday, I had a patient that was projectile vomiting in the bathroom. We could hear him up front. His girlfriend had called to say that he was going to try and get out of the exam, so don't let him leave the office. It seemed like cruel and unusual punishment to make him stay for the exam, and selfishly, I didn't want to catch whatever he had, nor did I want him to get sick on me. So we let him come back today (and he did) and all was much better.

You asked for it

You guys asked for it...I've started a blog. Here I will be able to rant about the crazies and share the cuties. Just be sure not to tell HIPAA about it. I hope you enjoy! Be forewarned: I have a gross sense of humor, so some things might not be for the weak of stomach. (PS: thanks to Nathan for the title!)